Previously, I posted ‘You Cannot Operate the Goatee Saver in a Blanket‘. Well, our friends at Goatee Saver have decided to do a new commercial. Get ready for it, because it is going to start airing the last week in April on a TV near you.

Here’s a press release warning us to this fact.

All I can say is that these guys have not studied from the great infomercial forefathers, such as the Slim Suit.

This new Goatee Saver commercial starts with the words “Have you ever wanted a perfect goatee?” I will answer that question with a question of my own: “Why would you open your commercial with a question that will be answered ‘No’ by 99.87% of the population?” I suppose they hope to quickly identify their niche and speak to those 3 guys out there who are crying out for a grown up binky…err…Goatee Template.

Here’s info on the Goatee Saver company, from the press release:

‘The company operates as a woman-owned business and has five employees. The company’s goal is to change the way men groom – one goatee at a time – by providing a high quality, well-made, affordably priced product all men can use to cut their grooming time and ultimately create the perfect goatee.’

Did you notice their goal of changing the way men groom – one goatee at a time? That sounds vaguely familiar. Perhaps it’s the tagline from this site – ‘Making the World a Warmer Place…One Snuggie at a Time’ – maybe that’s what’s ringing a bell…

Attention Goatee Saver People: Here’s how you sell this to more than a handful of people.

• Add a cushion around the mouth grip and tell us it helps with teeth grinding at night.
• Fund a study that will find that wearing the Goatee Saver will reduce snoring and then tell us it does (you don’t really have to prove this).
• Instead of throwing in a second Goatee Saver as the pot-sweetener, you need something slightly off-topic (think Complimentary Booklight to Snuggie), like perhaps a box of Band-Aids, or a vat of Bikini Wax to help with Unibrows.
• There are not enough rhymes in your commercial. Study the Snuggie and Slim Suit commercials and buy a Rhyming Dictionary and get all Stephen Sondheim with it.
• Market this to women. Your angle that will sell this is to take the view that many women tolerate (at best) their man’s Goatee. So they MUST buy their significant dude your product, saying ‘If you MUST rock the Goatee…at least make it Perfect.’
• Rename this thing “Marriage Saver” – since it helps with Snoring, Gets Rid of Unibrows, helps with Teeth Grinding/TMJ, helps you relive your childhood (binky-like), and oh yeah…there’s that Goatee Grooming Problem that plagues this nation…it’ll cure that as well.